


The Broom, the Buffoon, and the Behemoth

by TyrantChimera



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Funny, Gen, Humour, and pet behemoths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:40:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TyrantChimera/pseuds/TyrantChimera
Summary: A normal day at Seventh Heaven soon becomes an epic battle when a rampaging behemoth runs loose in the streets. Or may that's an epic fail...? Oneshot. Ficlet. Post AC, maybe even DoC.
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart & Cloud Strife
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	The Broom, the Buffoon, and the Behemoth

It was just a normal day in Edge. The afternoon was warm, the breezes cool, and the patrons in Seventh Heaven were slowly filing in for their usual spirits. Tifa was polishing the bar with a well-aged rag, the wooden surface shining invitingly as it glowed in the sun's rays. A commotion to her right grabs her attention. Cloud Strife, saviour of the world, has just put down his most recently drained glass, a long-suffering groan rending itself from his beleaguered, muscular frame. Tifa just smiles and refills his drink, “It was that bad, huh?”

“A sofa. An entire goddamn sofa! Do people not read the signs? The fine print? The goddamn logo? MOTORCYCLE ONLY!” He growls miserably, shotgunning the drink she's just poured him with a cough.

“Customer service. Am I right?”

“UUUUUUUGGGH.”

Cid, nearby, just glances over with a knowing nod, a smirk, and raised eyebrows. There's a snort from Nanaki, curled around Cloud's feet underneath the front of the bar. In the background, two women in the corner raise their drinks with a wordless, muted scream of empathy, their martinis already half gone. Overall, it's a relaxed atmosphere within the bar. So of course this is when the chaos begins.

“BEHEMOTH IN THE STREETS!!”

A man busts into the bar, screaming in panic at the top of his lungs. Fortunately his lungs aren't too big, so only a few people in the establishment end up wincing at the noise. Everything goes dead still as everyone in the building stares at the new occupant. A crash resounds from outside. Tifa looks at Cloud. Cloud looks back at Tifa.

“A behemoth? Seriously? In friggin' EDGE?” Cid grumbles.

Cloud just sighs, getting to his feet, “Welp. Guess that's my cue.”

Tifa has to blink in concern as he makes his way to the door. His path is about as straight as an upside-down toddler trying to draw a line with a noodle. “Er. Cloud? Uh,” she mutters loudly, trying to gain his attention. He turns to her, blinks, and then smiles.

“Oh, right! Weapon.” He grabs the nearest thing with a handle, a broom, and wanders outside, swaying all the way.

“Oh, this I gotta see,” Cid grins.

Everyone in the room, AVALANCHE or otherwise, file out curiously to watch the proceedings, none of them but Tifa sober enough to wonder at the potential danger of such as action. Or, perhaps, trusting enough of their infamous bartender and her boyfriend's battle prowess. Tifa stops on the sidewalk as she watches Cloud go. She looks around cautiously, taking stock of their surroundings. It is, of course, chaos. Wreckage and ruin as far as the eye can see, a few people screaming and running. There's a cat yowling in the distance, a dog barking, and a poor paperboy stood to the sidelines looking baffled by the whole affair. In the middle of the street is the foretold behemoth. It is a small thing, obviously a pup, howling and stomping and turning itself around in circles to wreck everything within range of its oversized paws. Barely three metres away is an eccentric looking man, wearing a suit more like a patchwork quilt, sobbing and pleading with the beast in front of him.

Cloud saunters up, staring at the behemoth and readying his impromptu weapon, when the man turns to him desperately. “Oh! Sasha! My poor Sasha! She's so terrified!! Don't hurt her!”

Cloud blinks, turning around from where he'd been squaring up with the big purple beast. He sways, the tip of the broom hitting the ground. “....Sasha?

“My pet! My beautiful girl! Oh, she's so scared! Look at her!”

Cloud looks. He notices that the behemoth, still stomping and growling and making a terror of itself, has a ridiculous pink collar covered in glittery hearts. Her mane is braided and tied up with bows, although a few have fallen out in the commotion. Tifa looks between the monster and Cloud, wary in case of sudden attacks. Cloud stares. Cloud looks back at the man, “That. That behemoth is your pet.”

“Yes!”

“A BEHEMOTH.”

“Yes, yes, the most beautiful and sweet and cuddly behemoth ever! She'd never hurt a fly! Oh! Oh my poor Sasha!!”

Cloud looks back at Tifa. Cid, beside her, is laughing his ass off, the cigar-smoking man leaning against the exterior of Seventh Heaven from the strain on his ribs. Nanaki is grinning as well. Cloud just gapes, rather more open with his emotions in his inebriated state, and mouths 'seriously?' at them wordlessly. Tifa is relaxing for some reason, covering her chuckles in the palm of her hand. Cloud looks around the street once more, taking stock. An overturned trash can. Papers scattered everywhere. A car with its lights still on and its door open from where someone fled in terror, and a news stand practically exploded on the side of the road. There are, however, no injured bodies. No one hurt except for, perhaps, the ego of that one chihuahua on the corner that's been trapped under a tiny metal waste basket. Oh, the utter indignity.

Cloud looks back at Tifa, rolls his eyes skywards in the most exaggerated expression of exasperation that she's seen from him in a long time, and brandishes his broom, “Well. All right then. No permanent damage. Got it.”

“Oh! Sasha! Ooooh!”

Cloud swings the broom around a little catching the monster's attention before engaging it in one of his sloppiest duels to date. He smacks it with the bristled end of his weapon, earning the occasional swing of a paw or tail in return. Even inebriated, he's still fast enough to dodge these easily. Mostly Sasha, who is slightly overweight, just jumps up and down, hollering and anger and fear and trying to intimidate him away. A drunken Cloud Strife knows no fear, however, and with one final, sound whack between her eyes, the behemoth falls, poleaxed, into the ground, eyes unfocused by the blow. She gives a whine, but goes still.

“Oh! Sasha! There you are, that's a good girl!” The man trundles forward, clipping a leash to her that looks no thicker than a shoelace. “You poor silly girl, come here. Oh yes, who's my beautiful girl?” He kisses her on the nose as she gets back up, recovering from the attack. She gives a sorry little whine and follows her master down the street and away from the kerfuffle, head down in guilt and shame.

Cloud just watches them go, stupefied.

Nanaki's gaze also follows them, a dry humour glinting in his eyes, “Ah, well, all's well that ends well? As the saying goes... Well. That just happened.”

“Eyyy, blondie boy, you did it, give us a victory whirl!” Cid chuckles, still a little out of breathe from laughing through the whole affair.

Cloud doesn't even hesitate. He grins, gives a thumbs up, and goes to twirl the broom in the sky above him like he occasionally would his sword after a well fought battle. It becomes a blur as he swings it overhead. Then, disaster! Just as he's about to finish the maneuver, his grip slips. He turns to correct it, when CRACK! It hits him in the head. Everyone stares. Cloud blinks at them, goes cross-eyed, and falls to the ground with a -whump- and a small plume of dust. Tifa stiffens, then relaxes as he groans in pain and humiliation on the ground, slowly curling up on himself and putting his hand to where the weapon had assaulted his skull.

Cid starts roaring with laughter again, nearly falling over. Nanaki struggles not to follow his example. Tifa snorts, grinning at the whole debacle. “Well, well, well. A behemoth, a broom, and a SOLDIER get in a fight. Who wins?"

“The broom! It's a clean sweep! Ahhaaahaahaa!” Cid falls over too, finally having reached his limit.

Cloud was NEVER living this one down.


End file.
